Thursday, April 15, 2010

I'm Your Mutineer

All right, Movie Tavern Mug, let's see what sort of question we have tonight.

"If you were a pirate captain, who would be your first and second mates, what would be the name of your ship, who would be your archenemy, and what would be your quest? So, basically, what would be your ultimate pirate adventure?"

This is an interesting question. You see, when some of my ancestors came to colonize New England way back when, a goodly portion of them dealt a lot with overseas shipping. More specifically, they had a decent hand in the rum trade. While I'm reasonably sure none of them captured and looted other ships, it's still fun to think and say that I have a little bit of piracy in my blood.

Anyway, onto the picks.


Well, the answer to this question is thoroughly uninteresting to a chunk of my readership I try to make it a policy not to mention real names, I'll just go as far and say that my real world pick for First Mate knows who they are, and they'd look damn good doing it.

So, as a bonus, in terms of fictional characters, I'd pick-


No, not you. I'd prefer the top two members of my crew to actually be able to speak something resembling a language.

No, I'd probably go with someone like Captain Jack Harkness, of Doctor Who and Torchwood fame, for a couple of reasons. First of all, the good Captain seems like he'd be a lot of fun to be around. Just watching him flirt with anything that moves is entertainment in itself. Secondly, being a time traveling secret agent (and sometimes con man), he knows the locations of many treasures, and he knows a lot of tricks that can get us out of a bind. Thirdly, while he's not afraid to get his hands dirty, he does keep a level head when things hit the fan. And fourthly, for reasons that I won't post because some of my readers are still in the process of getting into the show, the Good Captain makes a decent meat shield.

Second Mate

My real world Second Mate is less likely to know who they are, so I'll just give them this quick shout-out: surpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise.

But since a good chunk of you have absolutely NO idea what that means, I guess I should give a bonus, "celebrity" pick for this one as well. I think I'm going to have to go with Roger Daltrey of the Who. Because it never hurts to have a guy who can knock out troublemakers with one punch. Plus, his sheer manliness would scare away most lesser rivals, as they stand in awe of his giant golden form.


I have no idea who I'd pick as my real world archenemy. It would probably end up being my brother, although it would be more of a good natured rivalry than a belligerent state of being nemeses. He has, after all, actively considered becoming a pirate himself. Knowing him, he'd be trying to summon a Kraken for his own amusement, and I suppose it would be up to us to stop him from destroying all life as we know it, or something. Then again, I suppose the Kraken has as much right to exist as we do, and hey, how much trouble could it cause, anyway?

But, as that once again is very boring for most of you to read, I'll throw in a celebrity pick for you folks as well.
I'm going to go, not him! NOT HIM!


Sorry about that. So yeah, next section.

Ship Name

If I couldn't get me a TARDIS, and if I thought I could get away with it, I would steal possibly the coolest name/title I've ever heard in my life, "The Punk God of the Straight Razor." But I have a feeling my real world crew would object to such outright theft of a long name, so then I'd probably then pick something like, "The Excitable Boy." Which I'm pretty sure my real world First Mate would object to. Y'know what? I think I'd be better off letting them pick. Hang on a bit.

(You may be wondering why I'm indulging my real world crew on this. Well, a Cap'n just ain't a Cap'n without a crew, y'know?)

All right. Luckily, my Second Mate keeps hours almost as weird as mine. Apparently, the name of the ship would be "King Phillip's Sketchy Vengeance of Wrath and Such." Well, at least it wouldn't be deliberate plagiarism, I suppose, although it's still a mouthful to say. If we wanted something shorter, apparently it would be "The Walrus's Weenis." Naturally, my First Mate would maintain the right to smack my Second Mate upside the head as a result of this.

And I suppose I'd name one of the Life Boats after my First Mate's cat, "The Lady Jane." Largely because I can.


Aw, jeez, isn't the search for adventure a good enough goal? Traveling from place to place, just to see what my crew and I could see?

I suppose being the Doctor is not the same as being a pirate, though, and I suppose rum, wenches, and cabana boys don't pay for themselves. Let's see, what should our big score be? Well, I suppose there are those big deposits of amethyst in Brazil, but that seems so pedestrian. And while I'm sure there are plenty of lost ships full of random goods that we could go after just as a resource booster, that's not really material for a main central quest. No, if we're going to be hunting for a treasure, we should find something different, something special. Something magical. Something like the Thirteen Relics of the British Isles, or something like that. Then again, most of those are geared towards Kingmaking and warrior purposes, and that's not exactly the sort of business we'd be in. Maybe that legendary Norse arm ring Draupnir, that makes more rings every nine days...

Ah, who am I kidding? The journeys would mean more to me than any treasure that we'd be hunting for. We'd probably not HAVE a central quest, but just search for treasures as we heard rumors in weird places. We'd be in it for the fun. The companionship. The sights. The memories. The next big chase. Guess I make a lousy bloodthirsty pirate captain.


Well, this ended up turning into another saccharine sap-fest. I must be getting soft in my old age. This is J. K. Lantern, signing off for now. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!


  1. My pirate name would be Admiral Ironnards, and I would be damn belligerent and you know it. I would punch Roger Daltry for not dying before he got old. I would punch the goblin king for not throwing babies high enough. I would punch Jack Harkness for presumably being british. I would punch you.....for being YOU!

  2. You should rob corporate freighters and ocean oil zones that contribute to economic plundering & worldwide inequality-a more ethical twist on the pirate persona. You can find a place for George Clooney on board, as he's a world travelling humanitarian and could very possibly kick ass as well