Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

All right, time to pull another one of your questions out of the Magical Movie Tavern Mug of Mystery, Mayhem, and some other M word here.

"Create five matches between a robot and an animal that you'd like to see."

Wait, more robots? Seriously? You people aren't sick of them yet? Well, okay.

1. Godzilla versus--


What? What do you mean there's more to the question?

"No giant robots, please."

Ah crap. That's a much harder question. Unless...okay, I think I know how I'm going about this.


Just watch.

1. A Beaver versus Wood Man

I've always questioned the logic of building a robot out of wood, much less a combat machine. Yes, Wood Man is one of the robot masters that, rather than being designed for a function and then modified for combat, was built to fight. Furthermore, I'm not entirely sure how his special weapon, "The Leaf Shield," actually protects him or is capable of doing damage. Maybe they're Razor Leaves, or something. And I'm even a guy who likes plant powers and plant themes!

In any case, Wood Man is a memorable robot from the Mega Man series, known for having a weapon that protects him from damage, and the fact that his concept is utterly ridiculous, and yet still more than capable of kicking your ass if you don't know what you're doing. So what happens when he goes up against something that sees him as building material?


Well, yes I know beavers aren't exactly known for being aggressive, combative animals, but come on, this is for funsies! A robot made of wood versus a beaver? Come on! Use your imagination.

2. The Human Torch vs. a Giant Squid


No, not Johnny Storm. I'm talking the original Human Torch, from the late 30s, early 40s. He was, in fact, an android.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if this match has shown up at one point or another. One of the more common match-ups in Late Depression, Early WWII Marvel comics was The Human Torch versus Namor the Sub-Mariner, Prince of Atlantis. And from time to time, the Sub-Mariner was known to bring creatures of the deep as extra firepower.

As you can probably guess, the Torch's powers don't mix real well with water. So what would be a good match for him? Something big, and capable of attempting to drag him under, that was pretty well moist itself. Could the Torch find a way to win? Probably. He is adept at flying and dodging, so it might be enough to avoid the tentacles of this monster of the deep. In any case, it would be cool to watch.

3. Hammer Brother versus R2-D2


Yes, I'm well aware that the Hammer Brothers aren't real animals. However, most robots in fiction are built to be far stronger, faster, and more durable than things we generally come across in the natural world, so we're going to be bending our definition of animal a little bit.

Most people these days are familiar with R2-D2, the trashcan of a thousand and one tools, Savior of the Universe. What happens when he goes up against a master of one of the most basic tools in existence? Would his durable metal shell be any match for the perilous pounding from the Hellish hammering? What ways would he attempt to outwit his foe on his quest to save Princess Leia from Bowser?

Truly, a good match of outright brawn versus trickery, as R2 isn't exactly built to fight.

4. Frog from Chrono Trigger versus Bender Bending Rodriguez


Excuse me for a minute.

Okay, sorry about that. Just had to take care of something.

So, yeah, while Frog is not exactly a traditional animal (rather, he is someone under an enchantment), I thought that this would be a fun exercise in opposites. Frog, you see, is a feudal warrior, who lives by the code of the knight, and battles with his great strength and a touch of magic. Bender is a machine from the distant future, designed for the mundane tasks of construction. He is hard drinking, hard loving, hard smoking, hard stealing. If it's not nailed down, he will take it with him. If it makes him mad, he will attempt to destroy it.

So, a feudal Knight of honor, armed with magic and a sword, versus a mechanical, amoral, SOB. Both of them are Super Strong. Who wins? Who knows. While Bender isn't built to fight, when he puts his mind to it he can do a lot of damage. And his constant shouting and insults might throw Frog a little off his game. On the other hand, Frog does kick a lot of ass. Some of the ass he kicks is even shiny and metal.

Frog would probably be able to turn Bender into soda cans. But it would be fun to watch while he did it.

5. The Terminator versus Psyduck

What was that? I can't hear you over the sounds of that robot coming for you, ya duck bastard.

Oh, don't look at me like that. Psyduck can handle himself just fine.


So, those are five fights between robots and animals we'd love to see. Until next time, this is J. K. Lantern, signing off fo-GRHK!


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