Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mothers of Invention

All right, let's go into my giant Movie Tavern Tankard of Questions and see what you people would like me to talk about today.

"J.K., if you could make any invention for the betterment of mankind, what would you make?"

Knowing the people who asked this question, they are expecting something either destructive for my own amusement (BIG GODDAMN ROBOTS!), something completely nonsensical (a Device that changes the noises of burps and farts into the jumping noise from Mario games), or, if at all possible, both (a death ray that destroys bamboo so I can take control of the global economy and cause the global panda population to rapidly evolve into a carnivorous species that I will use as an army on my quest for world domination).

Well, hate to disappoint you guys once again, but my answer is a lot more mundane than that. Based on my various travel experiences, I'm going to have to go with personal long range teleportation. Seriously, think of how awesome that would be. Want to check out Europe for a day? *Snap* *TELEPROT!* "Welcome to Paris!" Feel like kidnapping a Penguin? *Snap* *TELEPROT!* "Note to self, Antarctica doesn't have shorts weather this time of year." Want to deliver a long distance kick to the nuts? *Snap* *TELEPROT* "That's for not enjoying my TV show, you asshole on the internet!"

Not only would you be able to get to your destination in a snap, you'd be able to bypass all those little pain in the butt hassles of travel. For instance, you'd never again have to put up with that guy who decides it would be a good idea to drink a whole two liter bottle of Vanilla Coke and then complain about needing to use the bathroom the entire van ride. You'll never have to worry about your friends getting you lost in a sketchy part of Chinatown in New York without a way back to the hotel ever again. And say goodbye to being stuck in an airport in Chicago for two days because the entire midwest is closed.

And most importantly, if you really miss somebody, you could just pop in and see them for a bit. Think of it. Less birthdays missed because of distance. More Christmas Dinners as a family. Wouldn't that make the world just a little bit warmer, a little bit happier?

Of course, there would be all sorts of political and military ramifications from the use (and misuse) of this sort of technology, but this is not that kind of blog. But yes, there are downsides to this sort of technology. Take this scenario:

JKL's Best Friend (because they totally talk like this): Ho hum. I'm here with my cat, and I'm in my pajamas, and I'm feeling sad for some reason.
JKL: Be not sad! For I, JKLantern, am now here to save the day!
JKL's Best Friend: Eeeeeeek! How'd you get into my house?
JKL: I'm Santa Claus! And I'm here to make you CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS!
JKL's Best Friend: You're not Santa! You're built like a twig and there's no fireplace in here! AND SANTA DOESN'T MAKE CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS!
JKL: Oh. Well, umm...Magic Pequot Powers.
JKL's Best Friend: You don't HAVE Magic Pequot Powers! Implying that the Pequot have special powers simply because they're Native American is very racist! And you're not even all that Pequot! Aren't you more German than Pequot?
JKL's Best Friend's Cat: Maow!
JKL: Don't you denigrate my rich and varied heritage!
JKL's Best Friend: Your varied white heritage.
JKL: It's an assortment of white! A veritable rainbow of paleness!
JKL's Best Friend: [sighs] So how'd you get in here?
JKL: ...I'm a ninja?
JKL's Best Friend: YOU ARE NOT A NINJA! You're the opposite of a ninja! You're an anti-ninja! You plus ninja equals zero!

And then the cops come in and arrest my bony ass for being a sketchball. But hey, I'd have a story to tell about my adventures visiting my best friend. And I'm much less likely to level a city with a Personal Teleportation Device than I am with a BIG GODDAMN ROBOT.

Well that's all for now. This is J.K. Lantern, signing off!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Yep, yep. You need it. Chicken and dumplings sound wonderful.

    (Also, sorry for figuring the damn thing out^)

  3. How will you fund your teleportation machine?

    If only you had a magic bowtie that, when spun, turns straw into platinum.

    Oh, wait, you COULD have had a magic bowtie that, when spun, turns straw into platinum, if you'd INVENTED IT.

    Everything else could have fallen into place. Teleportation. Big goddamn robots. 3-D Television AND Smellovision for the Food Network.

    But now the creditors are knocking at the door as the pitiless night wind howls...all for the lack of a bowtie.

    Aesop had a fable like that I think.